Wow, it's been a while. I'm sorry I haven't posted in ages. I never really forgot about this blog; I just haven't been in a poetry writing mode for a while. So I may have lost all my readers... but that's okay. This blog is mostly here for my own benefit anyway. I'm not going to promise I'm going to start posting regularly again, because frankly I don't expect that to happen. But I will try to write poetry a bit more often... Today I wrote my first complete poem in *months*. I don't think I've written anything (poetry-wise) since I got to college. Sort of sad, but I've been having so many great experiences in the last almost 8 months that I don't regret it.
I'm re-reading some of my old poems right now. Not to sound conceited or anything, but my former self wrote some pretty good poems back in the day. Heh, to me that doesn't feel like bragging (although I'm sure it sounds like it to the rest of you) because it feels like such a different person wrote those poems. Just thinking about how far I've come... it seems a bit ridiculous just how much I've changed. A lot of that is, I'm sure, interior change, and maybe my old acquaintances from back home won't see those changes very much. But I know *I* can see them.
That's why I never deleted this blog, even though I remembered it and realized that I never posted in it anymore. No matter how much I change, I didn't want to forget all that I had come through to get to the point where I am now. High school kind of sucked for me. Actually, it sucks more in retrospect, if that makes any sense. At the time, I just got kind of used to the suckiness and went along with it, assuming I could never really improve in that situation. But now that I've been at college for 8 months and met some of the most amazing, funny, talented, kind, attractive (heh), caring, and genuine people around, I look back on my high school years and mentally cringe.
In fact, I never have really told any of my friends (even the awesome ones here at school) the "truth" about my high school years- how I had no close friends, except for ones who I had never met face-to-face (note: some of those people in the latter category are still some of my best friends); how the Christians I knew were often colder and less caring than the hardened atheists I knew; how I was probably way closer to depression at the time than I ever realized.
Those are probably the most honest sentences I have possibly ever written. The thing is, I am really insecure still and am afraid that people will write me off as a mental case when they read this, or think I'm just some loser who didn't have any friends in high school (which may or may not be true, I guess, depending on your point of view). There have been a few chances when a braver me might have told her new good friends about it- like telling my friends how my birthday will suck this year because it's right after I come home from school, and there are literally only one or two people back at home (outside of family) that I legitimately want to celebrate it with. But I still can't trust anyone- or rather, myself- enough to take that step. I've been hurt plenty of times, enough that when chances like that come, I would much rather retreat into myself and keep the old hurt inside rather than open up and possibly be rejected again.
Reading this, I *do* probably sound like a bit of a loser. :P It's like a part of me I feel like I can't shake. No matter how much I change, I'd never feel really close to anyone unless I shared this part of my life; on the other hand, I'm too protective of myself and my feelings to open up and let anyone in like that.
I doubt anyone who knows me personally (either at home or at school) reads this and/or has connected the dots as to my true identity. So at this point I feel like this blog is largely insignificant in regards to my relationship with others. But I am seriously considering posting a revised version of this on Facebook. I think it might be good for me to let go some of these emotions described above that I've kept bottled up inside. But on the other hand, I don't want to post something like this and then have people be like, "Whoa, TMI, why is this girl posting her life story on Facebook when I don't even care?" So I'll have to think about that a bit.
But in the meantime, this has been really useful. I totally wasn't planning to write over 800 words when I started this post. But sometimes the impromptu things are that much better than the planned ones?...
Anyway, I should be posting an actual poem pretty soon. Like I said, first one I've written in ages. And hopefully I won't go all school year without posting another one. Thank you to all who have read through this all... and even if you didn't, I'll never know, so hey! what does it matter?
God bless, all.
~Daisy
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